Admitting that you have a seemingly unsolvable problem with your primary or one or more important relationships is the first step. The next step is to determine the exact nature of the problem. The symptoms are usually relatively easy to identify and describe frequent conflict, silence, veiled or overt criticism, emotional or physical withdrawing, fruitless pursuing, excessive alcohol use, emotional or physical affairs, pornography, stonewalling, mutual disrespect, infrequent intimacy, little or no affection. The causes are of course a lot harder to determine and may require the help of a professional, impartial coach who is specifically trained in systemic approaches to interpersonal issues.
The hunt for the real causes of a serious relationship problem is further complicated by this question: is it me or is it the other (who is causing the majority of the problem)? Based on my experience in working with relationships, the responsibility is usually shared by all parties. By definition, relationships involve at least two people. It is logical that, by action or by omission, all parties are contributing to make the relationship dysfunctional. In a sense, the parties are both principal actors and scriptwriters in their play and thus co-create nearly every bit of the situations, circumstances, reactions and difficulties that they are experiencing.
The pain and the hurt are mutually inflicted. It should be possible to realize what’s happening, review the script, change it into something more effective and more enjoyable, and put a stop to the patterns of mutual destruction. Unfortunately, though, without outside help the scriptwriters sometimes appear to lose their ability to rewrite the play and are seemingly condemned to play the same painful scenes over and over again. Does this describe your situation?
What does attachment have to do with it?Attachment Style in our relationships with others is the context in which we discover who we are, learn how we and others feel about life’s important issues, and find out how to bridge the differences. The emotional security and warmth derived from an initial close relationship with a loving parent provides us with a secure attachment, i.e., a “home base” from which we can venture to take the risks that are an inevitable part of a life of joy, challenges, and accomplishment. The theory of attachment is about these relationships; how they are formed, what happens during the first intimate relationship with the nurturing, neglectful or abusive parent, and what the consequences are for later development. Let’s talk about it as we talk about your important relationships.
Our individual Emotional Intelligence Quotient (EQ) can affect the thoughts and feelings behind our own and others’ actions and in turn determine how we behave in different situations. To be emotionally intelligent is to be able to recognize and manage your own thoughts and feelings, as well as correctly identify those of others, in order to have a positive effect on anyone around us and on our level of functioning.
Research has shown that individuals with high EQ are likely to work more effectively in relationships, be more successful in their endeavors and act as stronger leaders during difficult times. My experience in working with successful managers and leaders supports these findings. An EQ training program is structured around four key components that relate to both intrapersonal and interpersonal skills. The components are: Understanding oneself, managing oneself, understanding others and self-in-context, and working with others.
If you have a serious problem with anger, you may already know it, and your loved ones most certainly know it. If you are uncertain about the seriousness of the problems, there are some clear, unequivocal signs that characterize a person who has a serious difficulty in controlling anger. What are the signs of problematic anger? After having been a party to an anger episode, you may develop some specific emotional feelings, some recurring thoughts and ideas, or recognizable physical and behavioral symptoms.
Another way to tell if anger is a serious problem: if anger has caused you to jeopardize intimate relationships, friendships, work relationships, or if you have been mandated by a court order to seek anger management training. If one or more of these signs are present, I hope you will take the opportunity to make a definitive, lasting change in the way you handle your anger, the strongest of human emotions.
Conflict with parents: Parent-child conflict, either in childhood, adolescence or adulthood, is more often solvable through communication, mutual understanding, conflict resolution and problem-solving skills. Life is too short, and relationships are too precious to allow a situation to fester without at least one serious attempt at fixing it.
Conflict between or among siblings: Brothers and sisters, from the same genetic “recipe” provided by their common parents, turn out different in personality, temperament, reactions, motivations, emotional make up, success in life, and more. That conflict should occur (and some competition thrown in for good measure) over differences of opinion is normal and usually resolves itself in adulthood. For the time when it doesn’t, professional help may be needed. Adults who, as children, have experienced any of the above situations for prolonged periods of time may find that these issues still play a role in their lives today.
Guilt (a negative feeling about something you may have done) can be crippling. Not that it should be, but sometimes it just is. Resolving guilt issues may result in the realization that the guilt was appropriate, lasted too long, or simply wasn’t warranted. Through a judicious application of narrative therapy and an exploration of any relevant family of origin or temperamental issues, most troublesome guilt can be brought down to a manageable level or even eliminated entirely.
Shame (a negative feeling about who you are) is a curse on happiness that can produce the strangest of results: someone who could feel good about him/herself is forced into hiding, cannot participate in social activities, retreats from opportunities to shine and underperforms even with high skill levels. Why is your shame such a devastating curse, and where does it come from? These important questions must be carefully and thoroughly explored, in order for shame to be dealt with in an effective and lasting way.
Sometimes, a whole life seems to have been lived in just a few years. One may be 20, 40 or 60 years of age and yet, only a few of those years seem to have mattered–if any at all. In counseling work, as well as psychotherapy, a thorough psychological examination of one’s life story, also known as Narrative Therapy, is often necessary to understand the lingering effects that past trauma, adversity and conflict can continue to have in one’s present life.
In examining a life history, some episodes stand out as particularly significant. Not just the bad ones are significant, because the good ones can be very significant, too. I use the term “significant” to identify episodes in one’s life that were life-changing, memorable, that can be easily recalled (even re-lived) at a distance of many years. There are very good reasons to re-examine these episodes and discern how they may tie, through invisible and subconscious emotional tendrils, to present-day difficulties and challenges. The history of one’s life has been written, but one very important truth is that it can (and I say, it should) be re-written with the understanding of adulthood–to put once-traumatic episodes in perspective, to exorcise your demons, and to find peace.
In my practice as a counselor and psychotherapist, I see clients of diverse Christian denominations, clients who practice other religions (Islam, Hindu, Buddhism, Judaism), and clients who are not religious or not practicing at all. I do not discriminate on the basis of religious/spiritual beliefs or the lack thereof. All individuals and couples, of whatever spiritual orientation, are welcome to take advantage of my clinical expertise. I give everyone the same undivided attention and provide my services to everyone to the best of my abilities. If and when my practicing religious clients desire to integrate religious beliefs into their treatment, I am more than happy to accommodate their request. In that case, and only upon the client’s request and consent, my clinical practice may include spiritual integration.
The integration of faith and spirituality is a distinctive form of counseling in which the full resources, theoretical knowledge, and clinical methods of clinical psychology and psychotherapy are brought into closer contact with an individual’s spiritual beliefs and practice. Spiritual integration provides a holistic approach to counseling and psychotherapy that honors and integrates the spiritual dimension of each patient’s life and experiences. Spiritual integration does not substitute for sound clinical practice, and it makes full use of the entire range of counseling methods available within the psycho-therapeutic disciplines.
If your work situation feels unsatisfactory, you may be in the wrong job or dealing with difficult situations. Or your work environment may be particularly challenging. Or maybe it’s the industry you are in. In any case, it is easy to blame ourselves for occupational situations that are simply not a good fit for our personality, talents and inclinations. In today’s economy, changing jobs is no longer an easy, quick process. It requires careful planning and hard work, as it is a full-time job to look for another job. There are different approaches to resolving the problem of an unsatisfactory career or workplace fit, depending on the severity of the situation. A good place to start is taking a comprehensive Work Skills, Talents and Preferences Assessment.
Interpersonal problems with bosses or co-workers:This type of distressing situation may occur in relationships with one’s boss or bosses, with one’s peers, or with subordinates. It is a complex set of issues that may cause significant distress to all people involved, including one’s family, as these problems are easily “brought home” when leaving work each day.
I see people from all walks of life and backgrounds. Many times, the list above does not include the unique and very specific situations and challenges my clients come to see me about. For example, you may want to talk to me about Change Management, Emotional Regulation, Masculinity, Fatherhood, Parenting, Meaning and Motivation and many other topics that are of specific interest to you and to your loved ones.
I am well trained in counseling and clinical psychology, and I have a long experience in the application of its most useful theoretical approaches and procedures. My ethical and moral values rest on the wisdom of the Christian faith, and I am respectful of each client’s desire to integrate their own personal beliefs into the experience of counseling. My style is results-oriented, solution-focused, and time-sensitive with a genuine concern and empathy for each individual and each unique situation.